You know that awful question we have all been asked at least once before. When did you lose your virginity?
I hear them all talking, laughing, saying how much they regret it.
I wish I could be honest.
My friends have no idea.
I was 11, just a child.
You see my dad took my virginity.
He thought it didn’t matter if I had started my periods, I was a woman now.
He stood in the bathroom doorway laughing at the blood, my innocence stripped from me.
I’ve never told anyone that.
One night he forced me to drink, Vodka and coke, the smell just makes me wretch.
I don’t remember much, he carried me to the toilet, then upstairs, I threw up and everything goes blank.
I was just 13; I knew I couldn’t fight because I would never win.
The mind games were the worst.
He would cry every time; after he raped me he would sit and just cry.
Tell me he was sorry and I couldn’t’ tell or he would kill himself.
Finally at the age of 14, it was all too much.
My mum begged me to tell her what was wrong, where was her daughter?
She didn’t know me anymore.
She was so right.
I shut off all my emotions just to cope with my new life, being raped every weekend, over and over.
I told her he touched me.
While it is true, it’s not the whole truth is it?
She cried and cried, I hurt her and I thought it was my entire fault.
I was sent to my room, he was due to pick me up for the weekend.
She asked him, he admitted everything.
After that my life was a blur, the secret was kept, and I no longer had to be near him, but after telling my closest friend, I thought I could trust.
She bullied me.
She told everyone, and she told them I was sick for having sex with him.
I felt sick.
She must have been right.
It didn’t take long to travel around the school, to the teachers, my “friends”, everyone knew.
I was taken from my English class and placed in a room with Police and Social services.
I don’t know how I did it, really I don’t.
I managed to convince them I fell out with my friend and she spread nasty rumours as a result, I told them it was lies, they believed me.
But there was a price to pay.
Now i was a liar.
I lied that I was raped, at least that’s what she told everyone.
I starved myself.
Every day I would lie to my family.
I had lots of lunch I would say. I even threw up my stomach lining.
I left school at 16, with nothing.
Nothing but failed grades, what was the point really?
I’m now 23, my secret is still secret.
I’m still that “liar” from school.
And I know nobody will ever really believe me now.
My Anxiety is bad and I struggle to go out.
I have no confidence, and I am plagued by sick memories.
I have to say a huge thank you, to all the women who have shared their own stories on the blog. I’m a little less lonely now.
This is my story, my dad raped me for 3 years, my dad took my virginity, my innocence.
This is an anonymous post, this blog provides you with the opportunity to finally speak out, to share your inner fears and start facing up to those demons that continue to haunt you. Share your experience to help others. All blog posts submitted via the blog anonymously email form will be added to the blog anonymously for you, just like this blog post has been.