It had always been a running joke with my partner about having a threesome and he always wanted to have sex with another woman. I always went along with it thinking it would never actually happen, until one day.
He decided to ask my best friend if she would be interested and to my horror she said yes.
Stupidly I still thought it would never happen even though it was brought up a few times and when I was asked about it I would say “maybe after the baby’s born” as I was pregnant with our second child at the time.
I never once thought he would hold me to it.
Once I had the baby it was mentioned more and more often and the pressure started to build. If I didn’t let him have sex with another women, would he leave me?
I felt like I had too.
I had the start of postnatal depression but didn’t realise it at the time, which meant the more he went on about this the more I thought “well if I say no he’ll leave me because he’ll think I’m pathetic” so I gave in and agreed to it.
I let him have sex with another woman to keep him happy
I never once mentioned that I didn’t really want it to happen, yes I was curious as to what it felt like to be with a girl but I never felt the urge to act upon my curiosity and to be honest the thought of watching my partner sleep with another woman did turn me on a little bit.
But I still felt very uncomfortable with the idea, especially because it was my best friend who had agreed to take part.
We had arranged for my friend to come up and stay the night with her little boy at ours.
Of course just my luck, I came on my period 2 days before but I agreed it could go ahead anyway, just to get it out-of-the-way, it just meant no-one could do anything to me.
The night came far too quickly for me.
We put the kids to bed waited for them to sleep. I got a shower while my partner and friend sorted the living room out so there was more room. We had bought a box of Smirnoff ice and started drinking it.
We all knew it was going to happen tonight and my stomach was in knots, I felt so sick it was unreal, I did not want this to happen but I had to go along with it.
I felt sick and didn’t want this to happen
I thought plenty of times that night calling it off but I didn’t want to seem like a chicken or risk my partner being upset with me so I didn’t say anything.
My partner had called down to his friends for a minute to lend him a few cigarettes and while he was out me and my friend stripped down to our underwear for him coming home.
After over an hour of talking and saying “right come on then who’s gonna make the first move”
My partner made the first move and kissed my friend.
In that second my heart shattered.
He did it, he actually did it
I was hoping beyond all hope he would say he didn’t want to anymore, but that was my proof he wanted it, he wanted her.
That night he and my friend had sex twice while I watched, the only thing I could do was kiss one or the other.
My trust in him was gone, my heart shattered into tiny pieces.
I couldn’t let on it was bothering me, they where already talking about it happening again. Stupidly I agreed thinking it would be easier the second time.
I kept reminding myself that I had to let him have sex with another women because that would make him happy.
I was so scared of loosing him.
It wasn’t any easier the second time round, but at least this time I was able to be more involved so it was a bit better.
I got something out of it but it killed me watching them together, even seeing them kiss made me want to burst into tears but I hid it.
I knew if I told them how much it killed me they would both be devastated and I couldn’t do that to them, it was my fault I felt this way not theirs, I was the one who had to suffer for it.
The next day after the second threesome my partner woke up the next morning and text me, his text said exactly this. “One of you come up here I don’t care who” reading it I wanted to cry.
I knew what he wanted because the text that followed was a picture of his hard on.
After an hour of constant texts from him asking for either me or my friend to go up, I had enough and said to my friend “fuck it he’s not gonna give up and I can’t be bothered anymore go up”
After a small bit of persuasion she agreed and went up to our bedroom. I just wanted it over with I couldn’t deal with the constant nagging.
I sat down stairs looking after the kids, including her little boy while she went up to him
I received a text about 20 minutes later saying that my friend didn’t want to do it because it felt awkward.
I went upstairs to try to persuade her to just hurry up and go through with it but they told me they had already done it, they just text that to judge my reaction.
I never thought it was possible to feel your soul shatter but mine did at that point.
I wanted to crawl into a ball and cry.
They did it.
They actually did it and in our bedroom, he had sex with another woman, my best friend, without me there.
Not on the bed I might add but with her bent over holding onto it.
I wanted my life to be over at that very moment, sounds dramatic I know but I had been completely betrayed by the two people I thought I could trust most.
Yes I agreed to it but they should have respected me enough to say actually no this is too far, but neither of them did.
I’ve never felt as sick in all my life as I did that day every time I thought of the two of them together.
The threesome happened one more time after that.
After that, if they were together alone I lost all self-confidence and just didn’t care anymore.
I was hurt enough, it couldn’t possibly get any worse than it was.
Again I was wrong the whole night I felt like I was someone else watching on from afar completely detached from my body.
The next day I had an appointment with the doctors, I had been put on antidepressants two weeks before this, the day after the first threesome and I had to go back for a review. I broke down at the doctors and cried non stop.
I had sunk into deep depression
I told the doctor that I didn’t want to live anymore, that I couldn’t take anymore and I wanted out.
I had even gone as far as planning where to hide the painkillers I would take and how much would be enough to kill me.
The doctor was straight on the phone to get me to the crisis mental health team and I was seen that day.
How could I tell him about my depression? That it was because I had to let him have sex with another women and he was now sleeping with my best friend behind my back, and they had destroyed me.
I have gotten better with my depression since then, it’s been 2 months since this all happened but I am far from healed.
I can’t sleep at night in my bed because all I can think about is those two together.
I can’t sit in my living room for to long without wanted to burst into tears. I have had very little contact with my friend I can’t even think about her without wanting to cry.
I have a panic attack every time she comes up to the house.
I don’t trust my partner at all and especially not around her. I keep thinking if he can do it with my permission what’s to stop him doing it without?
For weeks after it happened I constantly felt sick and couldn’t eat because I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was like a zombie and to an extent I still am anytime I think about it my heart shatters all over again.
I hide it for so long to this day my partner still doesn’t know how bad it effected me and neither does my friend and they never will, I do not want to tell them.
It’s just to hard.
Having said all of that I don’t blame either my partner or my friend. It’s my fault I should have said no.
I should have been strong enough and realised my partner loved me enough that he wouldn’t leave me for saying no to allowing him to have sex with another woman but I wasn’t and I cant change it now, I’ve just got to learn from my mistakes and move on.
I’m trying so hard to move on but every time I take I step forward I seem to take 3 back but I know eventually I will get there. I no longer see the crisis team instead I see FASA one day a week to work through this and other issues I have.
I hope some day soon I can say I’m over it but take my story as a warning, if your partner suggests something you don’t want to do say NO.
You don’t want to go through the pain I went through and still am going through.
If your partner wants your permission to allow him to have sex with another woman, say no.
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